For every single problem in my life there has been an answer. Even though some of those problems may have been very difficult, and a decision was very hard to make, there COULD be a decision made.

This is not the same. The day I lost you, was the day I lost my freedom to choose. I didn't choose for you to die, I didn't choose for you to get sick, I didn't choose for anything of this to happen. And I sure as hell do not have any power over my feelings now that you are gone, and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it. That is the hardest part. I am such a freak about controlling my feelings, that now that I can not control them, It drives me crazy.

It scares me that I can have these kind of emotions and this kind of anger. I never considered myself an Angry person. I have always been a happy person, and I still am, But I have anger now. I have a lot of anger. I have anger towards the world, towards god ( i'm sorry ), and towards love and my heart. I hate being vulnerable, I get that from my parents, the way I was brought up, and my surroundings. Everything around me in my life has always taught me and preached for me to be such a hard ass. I've only cried a few times in my life because of my own emotions. Until you went away. Now it's almost every night. And i feel Weak. I Feel so weak and power-less.

And now I find myself pushing people I love away, or potential relationships away, just because I know what could come of it. I know it's ridiculous because this could happen to any one at any time, and i'm being so selfish, but I can't help it. 

I just miss you. You showed me how to be strong, stronger than I already was. You showed me the better parts of me, and also my worst. You made me self aware. And now I barely recognize myself. I haven't had a peaceful sleep since you've left. It's like there is no rest. No serenity in my life. I need to find it again. I don't know how... if you were here you would show me. I know you're trying. I know you look over me, I know youre still HERE with me, but it's just fucked up.

There is a constant lump in my throat, constant headache, constant anger inside if me now, even though I am learning to hide it, to supress it, and to wear a smile more and more every day, there is that lump, that pain, and that anger......

The weirdest part is... is that I don't want it to go away, because as long as that pain is still there, I know that you are real, that WE were real, and that a feeling is inside of me, that is produced by you. It will do. And I won't make it go away, I will embrace it. 

I miss you , you were my best friend.