For every single problem in my life there has been an answer. Even though some of those problems may have been very difficult, and a decision was very hard to make, there COULD be a decision made.

This is not the same. The day I lost you, was the day I lost my freedom to choose. I didn't choose for you to die, I didn't choose for you to get sick, I didn't choose for anything of this to happen. And I sure as hell do not have any power over my feelings now that you are gone, and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it. That is the hardest part. I am such a freak about controlling my feelings, that now that I can not control them, It drives me crazy.

It scares me that I can have these kind of emotions and this kind of anger. I never considered myself an Angry person. I have always been a happy person, and I still am, But I have anger now. I have a lot of anger. I have anger towards the world, towards god ( i'm sorry ), and towards love and my heart. I hate being vulnerable, I get that from my parents, the way I was brought up, and my surroundings. Everything around me in my life has always taught me and preached for me to be such a hard ass. I've only cried a few times in my life because of my own emotions. Until you went away. Now it's almost every night. And i feel Weak. I Feel so weak and power-less.

And now I find myself pushing people I love away, or potential relationships away, just because I know what could come of it. I know it's ridiculous because this could happen to any one at any time, and i'm being so selfish, but I can't help it. 

I just miss you. You showed me how to be strong, stronger than I already was. You showed me the better parts of me, and also my worst. You made me self aware. And now I barely recognize myself. I haven't had a peaceful sleep since you've left. It's like there is no rest. No serenity in my life. I need to find it again. I don't know how... if you were here you would show me. I know you're trying. I know you look over me, I know youre still HERE with me, but it's just fucked up.

There is a constant lump in my throat, constant headache, constant anger inside if me now, even though I am learning to hide it, to supress it, and to wear a smile more and more every day, there is that lump, that pain, and that anger......

The weirdest part is... is that I don't want it to go away, because as long as that pain is still there, I know that you are real, that WE were real, and that a feeling is inside of me, that is produced by you. It will do. And I won't make it go away, I will embrace it. 

I miss you , you were my best friend. 

Happy Halloween

It's been way too long since I posted.

And I want to apologize for my lack of posts about FW S/S09.. for LACK their of inspiration and enthusiasm due to the lack luster collections and piece of crap garments we have seen over and over. I am on Protest. MAYBE i'll do a few reviews on a select few, including Balmain. Which was Unreal. End. =) .

Ok so it's halloween night, and I can not go out and party and dress up cos I have work so early in the morning and ALL DAY! Miserable I know. But I think i'm better off cos every halloween i get so drunk something bad happens.. like me drinking a whole bottle of grey goose and slowly my halloween costume comes to be um...... taken off completely and i'm in my underwear dancing with a gorrilla in the middle of a party. Hypothetically speaking that is.... of course *big eyes* lol... shhh.

O.k so lately life has been nuts. I am still feeling a lot of pain over the loss of him.  I mean I know I will never get over it and the pain will never go away, but it just gets more and more complicated in my own head I guess. It's always worse at night. More time to think. More time a lone. *sigh* It's ok though, right? ... Right? =/.

I also have been eating WAY too much the last week. I need to stop that IMMEDIATELY. 

I really miss my family, and my roommates are becoming harder and harder to deal with. Common theme in my life, no?

I went out the other night with a few friends and had a GREAT time. I went over a kids house with a group of people that I don't usually hang out with and was pleasantly surprised that they are hilarious, and fun fun people. Besides the fact my friend almost got into a fight with the person who lives there, it was amazing. 

I'm finding more and more that people are beautiful. And that a good soul you can really see shining from the outside, in their smile, in their speech. It's not hard to spot a good person from away, but EXTREMELY easy for me to spot an asshole right away. There is a woman who works at my studio, and she does clerical work, she is about mid 70's i'd say.  She's Russian so we have a lot to talk about, and a lot in common, and just a connection that is hard to explain. And she is such a beautiful soul. Every time I see her or talk to her, I feel like there is hope in this world because she is truly an amazing person. I find that a lot in older people, their stories really fascinate me. I think it's the fact that these people have been through so much, so much pain, and so much happiness, and yet they are still here, smiling. It gives me hope that we can get through anything, because they did. They are still here, and still have hope, so why shouldn't I?  It's funny where you can find hope and something that can make you believe everything will be ok. 

Election day is coming closer and closer. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Cos I am. SO scared. I think that this country really has so much to do in such little time before we find ourselves in a hole that is unbearable, if we aren't in it already.

The question is, if mccain is elected, which country do I move to? Back to russia? Canada? Uk? Hmmm.. decisions decisions haha. GO OBAMA.

I also wanna say hit to my tall australian tarded friend =)

I really will try and post more. But for now farewellll and let the peace be WITCHYYYAAA.

COS YOU A DOLL NOT AN ACTION FIGURE.

Ok. So I promised I would post more reviews. But I have been so fucking busy it's rediculous

School is out of control. Work is so crazy. And I have injured my shoulder.

I have no idea how i did it, I think I did it when doing my hair? NO IDEA.

But I think I pinched a nervous in my shoulder/back. 

The pain is horrible. Especially at night. It's off and on though, which is strange.

I need to see a doctor, but I have no time. Or energy. *bleh*

I put a heating pad on at night to try and let me sleep better, doesn't help too much, but it's something.

I'm reading a book right now called "lucky" by Alice Sebold. It's really good so far. very painful though. It's a memoir about her life and being raped when she was a freshman in college.

It's hard to get through because it is so intense and graphic and pretty painful. But makes you think, and keeps you humble almost.

It's very admirable she wrote a book about such a personal thing.

Still reading it, but once I'm done i'll probably have more to say about it.

I WENT PUMPKIN PICKING!!!!!!! It was awesome. I got the best pumpkin ever. Had to fight the little kids to get to it, but so worth it. Not too many apples, hard to find, but it was so fun. Went with my mom and my 2 sisters. What a blast.

I was amazed at the amount of asian / chinese people there?

THERE WERE HUNDREDS! I'm not kidding. So strange. I wonder why. I love chinese people! lol.

I just did a load of laundry and shrunk one of my sweaters. So hysterical. It is about the size of an infant sweater now. Sucks though. I liked that sweater. Good thing I always buy outfits in pairs and in different colors. =)

I realize that I'm lonely. Not lonely as in " oh i need people around me" , but I think I might be ready for a relationship. Or to start dating again. I don't know. Don't want to think about it.

Well I guess I will get to bed soon. Work early in the morning! More to come soon! I SWEAR!

xox

SHOW ME YOUR WANG.

This is going to be the first of many Collection Reviews. I'll start with one of my favorite's Alexander Wang.*swoon*

The Alexander Wang collection this season, was , of course, amazing. But I think that Alexander should be more than amazing. In 08 seasons, I was completely blown away. I literally gasped for air watching look after look come down the run way. This year, my gasps were fewer and farther between

As Alexander is of course my favorite designer currently, I am such a fan of his aesthetic. 

His dark, "fuck it" style and detailing still send chills down my spine. In a good way.

He epitomizes cool. Period.

^Anja you are the shit.

Compared to his past collections, his looks had more color, and more feminine touches. I think his ch

oice of the light blue was interesting, and made you look. I think it was smart. I liked it.

I do not think itwas Alexander though. I feel like he took a chance stearing a little away from his usual palette of blacks/grays/tan, a chance that needed to be taken, but I regret to say I liked his former colors. 

^ This is love. I would throw this look on the ground and fuck it cross-eyed.

^ The pieced tights with he outrageous shoes are deathly sickening awesome.

He always throws the best models down the runway. His styling was fucking awesome , per usual. I was a little thrown off by the "sweaty" shine of the models faces. But if Alexander didn't throw you a curve ball, then it wouldn't be alexander. The more I looked, the more i got it. That's what i always love about him. he MAKES you get it.

^this is absurd. I need it now.      

^ Our baby. She makes me so proud. Disgustingly flawless.

Although I feel his collection for s/s 09 was not up to his potential, to say that I didn't love it, would be lying. The man is simply amazing. I would murder some one to have his pieces. Literally.

Rock on Alexander Wang. Rock on. STAY TRUE.

(photos: Vogue)

All apologies.

I'm so sorry for being a giant dick and not posting in forever.

I will have plenty to say soon!

It's been a crazy long weekend. =)

Ciao.

I SAY YES WHEN I OUGHT TO SAY NO.

Ello Friends.

I honestly have not had much to say lately. Kind of weird. Guess I am just at a weird place in my life right now. Kind of stuck in between everything. Confusing. But not too horrible I guess. Could be worse.

I miss him. I miss him a lot. It hits me a random times. And when it hits me, it literally feels like some one punched me in the stomach. Or shot me through the heart.

I know he's in a better place now, but it still hurts just as much. The only difference is life gets in the way, and you think about it fewer times through out the day.

But when you DO think of it... it hurts, and it hurts like hell. I think it always will.

I just learned so much from him,  and he was such a huge part of my life and heart, I just hate that he's gone. Why'd he have to die? =(. I miss you.

I just hope he knows I tried to help him, and that I loved him more than anything. And that even though I get angry, and so upset, I am not mad at him for dying. I am just so in despair he's not physically with me. It's something I will NEVER get used to. Ever.

Went to the GAP today. Got 2 of my favorite tee's. They were on sale too yay!

Also got a bag and a long sleeve. 

(gap)

Well on another note. I'm watching the Boston Red Sox right now, GO SOX ! They're winning 1-0 but that means nothing because stupid devil rays can come back.

MORE IMPORTANTLY!       

Fashion weeks are over =( So So sad.

I'm already looking forward to next season. I think that I've honestly seen better seasons from all the designers. I'll be doing a review of everything very soon when I get some time off ! So stay put for that !!! 

I'm going all the fucking way to Connecticut for work tomorrow. PAIN. IN . THE. ASS

Nobody else would do it, so Id just fuck it i'll do it.

It made me the hero of the week So I guess it's cool.

And they are paying me for mileage.

The only bad part is I'm doing sales AND fashion consulting at the same time. So it is going to be a little hectic. Ah. But the supervisor there says that there are only like 12 shoots that day. So that's not too bad.

I hear the studio there is smaller as well, and the people might be weird? Well whatever. I'll just ignore every one, stick to dressing people, picking their clothes and setting up the shoots. It will be fine. 

I'm going to have to put up pictures of the studio some day. The good one. which is ours =). hehe. Not the other stupid one.

I'll hopefully have more interesting things to say soon.

Have a great night.

* and also I tried the starbucks vivanno banana chocolate shake today. Not too shabby. I would only eat if it's like the only thing i'm eating all day though, it has like a bagillion calories and shit. But delish. Ok bye.

PROPORTIONS YOU BITCH!!!!! ALL ABOUT PROPORTIONS!

GIRLS.

Please. Please. Please.

Please. Please. Please.

STOP

Wearing things that are TOO SMALL FOR YOU.

If you are a size 4. You should be wearing size 5's or 6's.

It really is not attractive, or stylist to wear things skin tight.

It makes you look like trash.

I am a size 2 , and I wear 4's minimum. Unless of course they are skinny jeans.

I suggest always buying your shirts one size too big, if not 2. 

If your skinny, it will make you look even skinnier.

And if you are not skinny, it will make you look LESS not skinny. lol.

I'm being dead serious though. This horrible faux pas needs to stop.

I usually don't believe it FASHION DO'S/DONT'S.

But this is just something that can't be ignored.

Here's a few examples of some seriously dope looks and how to wear your garments more comfortably.

(thefashionspot)

Erin Wasson one of my favorite muse's looking outrageous in a white tank and simple pants.

(supermodels)

You knew I was going to use my girl Freja as an example. I almost have this exact same outfit. Loosely fitted shirt with skinny jeans. Perfection. I LOVE PROPORTIONS!

Alexander Wang s/s 2008. My favorite collection ever created by any designer. Now that is a bold fucking statement I just made. He uses his fitting perfect. And Erin Wasson styled this collection !!!! DREAM TEAM <3

(modelstyle)

I'm having trouble i.d'ing these two models, I believe the one on the left is Behati. But not sure, any help guys????

Just play with proportions and textures.

I love mixing things up and fucking with peoples minds. But making it work.

Try something different. Wear baggy jeans with a scoop neck.

Wear skinny jeans  and heels with a huge baggy junky t-shirt.

Have fun. But don't look like a fucking whore.

Keep it interesting hoes. Lata.

ROCK AND ROLL PEOPLE. KEEP LIVIN.

WHY DON'T YOU CALL ME I FEEL LIKE FLYING TOO.

I Had to shut off the t.v because McCain made me want to put my fist through my head too much.

I'm having a personal dilemma. 

I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

I know that I want to live in the city.

I am sick of Boston. 

Don't get my wrong, i LOVE LOVE LOVE Boston. And I know i've been fortunate enough to have traveled to so many places early in my life and continuing to now with everything. I can't hold still for too long.

I need to get away to find myself. And to find other people.

I'm thinking San Francisco. I just have a gut feeling for some reason. The weather, culture, people, location, it all seems so perfect.

The price of living there is through the roof, but so is Boston.

I am not ready for NYC yet. It's just too cliche for me. I want to go some where else. Back to Russia? Not sure.

I Feel like San Fran has a lot of exploring to offer me, and discovering. Seeing things other people haven't seen.

Plus the Academy of Art University is in Frisco, a school i've been Seriously considering. I'm graduating from my college in December with my bachelors and minor. Ah. But I need to go back to school, I'm hungry for more. I don't feel like settling with what i've learned.

I'm considering Multimedia Communications with a concentration in Fashion Journalism, Or Fashion/Multimedia, or something along those lines. Not sure if I can handle a double major, but I would LOVE to do that. Plus the money. It's just not there. Gr. Fuck you Money.

I need to get where I'm going. I need to see other things, other people, breathe different air.

I will miss my family so so so much. Too much. I'm not sure if I can handle that. But there's only one way to find out, and going away is something I NEED TO DO FOR MYSELF. As hard as it would be. 

I'm optimistic about the future,  excited, and nervous as shit. 

Thanks for listening.

BUGS WAY TOO BIG FOR THEIR OWN GOOD.

like said before, there will be a lot of nonsense posts about .. well.. nonsense.

But I was just outside my yard, and I felt a brush on my neck. I Flicked something off of my neck. 

and this is what came off.

Holy fuckme. 

If I knew at the present time that THAT. fucking monster of a beast bug was on my damnititalltohell neck. I would have literally had a seizure and died, right there, in my lawn, cigarette in mouth.

So I built up the nerve to gently scoot the "little" bugger over to the pavement, so I could take a shot of it with my blackberry.

He looked just like a leaf. And did I mention he was enormous, and on my neck? ok. yep.

I googled my new friend, and it seems he is a "leaf bug". Heard about them before. But never had an intimate encounter with one. CLOSE CALL. Life threatening, but pretty fucking cool, no?

Over and out.

( PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE MY HORRIFIC NAILS, IM PAINTING THEM OVER AGAIN TONITE... I SWEAR.......) =)

A HAND TO THROW THE GASOLINE, A MOBILE PHONE HOOKED UP TO THE SCENE.

START RANT.

STOP BLAMING FASHION AND MEDIA FOR YOUR SELF ESTEEM ISSUES.

OUR PASSION ARE NOT OUR PROBLEMS.

(catwalkqueen)

I was doing my homework for my ethics class tonight and the subject was the ethical matter of advertisements, and predictably it was mostly about fashion advertisements.

I was actually shocked at how angry I got when I was defending the fashion industry. 

The question of course was the usual, does it give an unrealistic image of woman, does it put bad ideas in the young girls head, does it corrupt the world, does it cause cancer? , yea the usual.

Further more, I get so angry at this shit. Because the people who usually bitch and complain about this stuff are the people who buy these products , magazines, etc. I am in love with fashion, and I look at these advertisements, or in my world, the fashion world, they are editorials, look books, representation. ART.

THIS IS ART

(modelstime)

This does not tell girls, "You must look this skinny", or " You are uglier than this person is."

That is not what these editorials are out to do.

They are out to sell clothes to the people who appreciate them.

The respectable fashion houses anyways.

My point is

No one is forcing any one to pick up a Vogue ( which i think is a shit magazine anyways )

No one is forcing any one to read Marie Claire.

And no one is certainly asking you to look like the models we see.

The models are freaks of nature, but they are human beings.

They are human beings with insecurities, body image problems, and issues.

JUST LIKE AL OF US.

possibly more so than the "average" person.

No one insults Michael Jordan for being so god damn good at basketball.

His skill is art.

So are these designers, photographers, models, and stylists, artists, the list goes on.

Of course there are lines that should not be crossed.

and there is appropriate places to put your editorials, and inappropriate. 

But my bottom line is, please, if you have self esteem issues. next time you go the your CVS , don't pick up a Cosmo ( shit ). Don't pick up a Elle.

Pick up a "How to feel good about myself Manual"

Or learn how to appreciate yourself for who you are.

If you have self esteem issues, which most of us do. I'm not trying to sound insensitive.

But please don't insult our dreams, and our vice.

Please don't blame it on the art of fashion.

It's an art, and it's beautiful. And it's OURS.

live and let live people.

END RANT. =)

WHAT WERE WE THINKING?

PLEASE

BRING

HILL

BACK

I think I'll be voting for Alexander Wang. This is not a joke. I'm doing it.

^Lovaaaboy

I usually don't like to talk about political crap. Well publicly anyways. 

But , I really really really, really.... wish Hilary was still a candidate. 

WHY AMERICA WHY????

I think that Obama has some very good attributes and ideas, and well I honestly think McCain has a mental disability. I'd vote for Palin before McCain any fucking day.

But I guess I'll "SETTLE" for Obama

It's sad our country has to settle.

Miss you Hil, Save us ! 

- Love, America

BECAUSE IF YOU START ASKING..THEN I'LL BE HOSTILE ACTIN.

It's fall It's fall it's fall!!! Because it is the best season on the planet, I have decided to write this post in fall-ish colors. Hope you like.

I love the fall for so many reasons. 

First of all, best season for fashion, Hands down.

We have the best fashion weeks in the best locations, and I can't get enough.

Not only do we have the F.W's, but I love fall garments so much more than S/S's. 

They just have so much more depth, and the color palettes are so much prettier.

I am a neutral color girl, I stick to my blacks, whites, browns, grays. So fall is the season for me.

Coffee.

Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee.

Starbucks comes out with it's seasonal drinks, along with many other coffee shops, local or national.

Even though the pumpkin spice latte is about 489732984723894723 calories, I'll indulge.

There's nothing better than waking up early ( ok minus that part ) , grabbing a coffee, and driving in your car to work with all the beautiful foliage to look at. Stunning.

Weather.

I love weather you can accessorize to. I've bought so many jackets and scarves this summer iv'e been DYING to finally be able to wear. I love the brisk chill of the fall. It's very refreshing.

Cigarettes.

For some reason the fall makes smoking so much better. I think it is because when you step outside for a smoke, you have to get a little bundled up, curled up, and just light one. It brings some sort of weird peace to me watching the smoke in the cool air. 

( please refrain from any you should stop smoking comments... I know it's bad for you. I don't care.) =)

Football.

I know, it may be surprising to hear that from me and on a blog like this. But i L.O.V.E football. I think if I were born a dude, i'd probably would have been a football player. Or maybe I was one in a former life? ( doubtful.)

I'M SO DIRTY, AND THE LIGHT IT BLINDS MY EYES.

So my hair doesn't suck.

I Actually really like it. A lot.

I think it's a little too short, but the color is perfection.

The salon was really upscale and stuff. Liked it.

ALSO, I saw a girl that I graduated with from the salon as well. We made small talk, and then as she walked by she said " fucking cunt". And I was like , wow she's pissed, and that was really rude. But then I remembered, she had tourretts in high school. Only back then, she only had facial twitches and such.

NOW, I could not believe what I was seeing or hearing. I felt like it was a scene straight from a comedy, only it wasn't funny. It was actually extremely sad and eye opening.

As she went about her business doing peoples hair and such, she would just as often as she blinks her eyes would say , loud and clear, with out a stutter " fucking cunt, fucking slut, fucking slut". As if it was as simple as clearing her throat. 

With all kinds of people around, young people, old ladies, I wondered how hard this must be for her to deal with.

She must be judged every single day, and must have such a hard time representing herself.

I felt horrible, but inspired, that she just went about her business, and life. And I was actually impressed with the way people around reacted, it's nice to know that there was still people who accept people for who they are, regardless of the outcomes of some ones disabilities. 

It amazes me the problems people have to over come, I hope she continues to live her life the way she wants to.

Did I mention my hair rocks? 

CALL TO ORDER:

CATHERINE MCNEIL NEWS FLASH

Sunday Mail

Top model's mystery illness revealed


Article from: 
By GENEVIEVE MEEGAN 
October 04, 2008 12:30am

HOMESICKNESS has been blamed as the mystery illness that has Australia's top model, Catherine McNeil, absent from the catwalks of Europe.
McNeil, 19, made international headlines after pulling out of the Milan and Paris fashion weeks due to an undisclosed ailment. Exhaustion and homesickness were the cause, according to Sydney fashion insiders.
The self-confessed tomboy model, who grew up in Logan, south of Brisbane, is believed to be prone to strong bouts of missing her laidback lifestyle in the sunshine state.
Speaking from the family home her grandmother, Sandra McNeil, said the fashion model was taking some time off to rest.
She said McNeil was recuperating at her New York base. "She's just burned out," Mrs McNeil said last week.
But she added, her grand-daughter would be back at work again "soon".
McNeil's Sydney rep, Kathy Ward of Chic Model Management, said the situation had been "blown out of proportion" and promised that McNeil would be back bigger than ever.
McNeil was expected to start work on some lucrative and high-profile advertising campaigns in coming weeks, Ms Ward said.
Despite speculation about her absence from the European shows, industry experts said the time off – to rejuvenate after a "gruelling" few months work – would further boost her career.
McNeil appears on the cover of this month's Vogue Australia magazine, and editor-in-chief Kirstie Clements said the model is "at the top of her game". "She's so far up the tree it wouldn't matter (that she missed the Paris and Milan shows)," Ms Clements said. "She's one of the top 10 models in the world.
"She really only does the top level stuff now and she's got some big advertising campaigns booked."
McNeil's modelling career began after she won a Girlfriend magazine model-search competition, and signed with Brisbane agency June Daly-Watkins at the age of 13.
Director Jodie Bache-McLean said McNeil's no-show would make her even more desirable in international circles.
She likened it to the career-rejuvenating behaviour of Kate Moss, who endured a drug scandal, and Naomi Campbell, who's anger issues have landed the supermodel in hot water, yet who both bounced back with even stronger profiles.

__________________
"Let's stop treating models like greyhounds we plan to shoot after a race. We have to remember we are dealing with real people who have real feelings." 
- James Scully(source tfs)

 

Holy shit balls. I'm actually extremely impressed there was actually something publicly released on behalf of this matter, because most people just leave news like this hanging and a mystery. I think it's actually really impressive Cat did this. If this is the true reason why Cat has missed so many shows, I'm blown away by her self awareness and ability to realize when a break is needed, or what a persons breaking point is. I'd also like to say I'm happy to see that there is an agency out there that still cares about a models own personal well being. Needless to say, there has not been much of that to be spoken for . Bravo on both Cat and her agency's behalves.

We all still miss her at the show's and patiently await her triumphant return !!!!!

FEEL BETTER.

I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO POIN OUT IT IS INSULTING TO COMPARE CAT'S PROBLEMS TO FUCKING KATE MOSS'S and NAOMI CAMPBELLS. What a Joke. This is nothing like that, and much more respectable and honorable than snorting coke and throwing phone at people. Thank you and done. :)