For every single problem in my life there has been an answer. Even though some of those problems may have been very difficult, and a decision was very hard to make, there COULD be a decision made.

This is not the same. The day I lost you, was the day I lost my freedom to choose. I didn't choose for you to die, I didn't choose for you to get sick, I didn't choose for anything of this to happen. And I sure as hell do not have any power over my feelings now that you are gone, and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it. That is the hardest part. I am such a freak about controlling my feelings, that now that I can not control them, It drives me crazy.

It scares me that I can have these kind of emotions and this kind of anger. I never considered myself an Angry person. I have always been a happy person, and I still am, But I have anger now. I have a lot of anger. I have anger towards the world, towards god ( i'm sorry ), and towards love and my heart. I hate being vulnerable, I get that from my parents, the way I was brought up, and my surroundings. Everything around me in my life has always taught me and preached for me to be such a hard ass. I've only cried a few times in my life because of my own emotions. Until you went away. Now it's almost every night. And i feel Weak. I Feel so weak and power-less.

And now I find myself pushing people I love away, or potential relationships away, just because I know what could come of it. I know it's ridiculous because this could happen to any one at any time, and i'm being so selfish, but I can't help it. 

I just miss you. You showed me how to be strong, stronger than I already was. You showed me the better parts of me, and also my worst. You made me self aware. And now I barely recognize myself. I haven't had a peaceful sleep since you've left. It's like there is no rest. No serenity in my life. I need to find it again. I don't know how... if you were here you would show me. I know you're trying. I know you look over me, I know youre still HERE with me, but it's just fucked up.

There is a constant lump in my throat, constant headache, constant anger inside if me now, even though I am learning to hide it, to supress it, and to wear a smile more and more every day, there is that lump, that pain, and that anger......

The weirdest part is... is that I don't want it to go away, because as long as that pain is still there, I know that you are real, that WE were real, and that a feeling is inside of me, that is produced by you. It will do. And I won't make it go away, I will embrace it. 

I miss you , you were my best friend. 

Happy Halloween

It's been way too long since I posted.

And I want to apologize for my lack of posts about FW S/S09.. for LACK their of inspiration and enthusiasm due to the lack luster collections and piece of crap garments we have seen over and over. I am on Protest. MAYBE i'll do a few reviews on a select few, including Balmain. Which was Unreal. End. =) .

Ok so it's halloween night, and I can not go out and party and dress up cos I have work so early in the morning and ALL DAY! Miserable I know. But I think i'm better off cos every halloween i get so drunk something bad happens.. like me drinking a whole bottle of grey goose and slowly my halloween costume comes to be um...... taken off completely and i'm in my underwear dancing with a gorrilla in the middle of a party. Hypothetically speaking that is.... of course *big eyes* lol... shhh.

O.k so lately life has been nuts. I am still feeling a lot of pain over the loss of him.  I mean I know I will never get over it and the pain will never go away, but it just gets more and more complicated in my own head I guess. It's always worse at night. More time to think. More time a lone. *sigh* It's ok though, right? ... Right? =/.

I also have been eating WAY too much the last week. I need to stop that IMMEDIATELY. 

I really miss my family, and my roommates are becoming harder and harder to deal with. Common theme in my life, no?

I went out the other night with a few friends and had a GREAT time. I went over a kids house with a group of people that I don't usually hang out with and was pleasantly surprised that they are hilarious, and fun fun people. Besides the fact my friend almost got into a fight with the person who lives there, it was amazing. 

I'm finding more and more that people are beautiful. And that a good soul you can really see shining from the outside, in their smile, in their speech. It's not hard to spot a good person from away, but EXTREMELY easy for me to spot an asshole right away. There is a woman who works at my studio, and she does clerical work, she is about mid 70's i'd say.  She's Russian so we have a lot to talk about, and a lot in common, and just a connection that is hard to explain. And she is such a beautiful soul. Every time I see her or talk to her, I feel like there is hope in this world because she is truly an amazing person. I find that a lot in older people, their stories really fascinate me. I think it's the fact that these people have been through so much, so much pain, and so much happiness, and yet they are still here, smiling. It gives me hope that we can get through anything, because they did. They are still here, and still have hope, so why shouldn't I?  It's funny where you can find hope and something that can make you believe everything will be ok. 

Election day is coming closer and closer. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Cos I am. SO scared. I think that this country really has so much to do in such little time before we find ourselves in a hole that is unbearable, if we aren't in it already.

The question is, if mccain is elected, which country do I move to? Back to russia? Canada? Uk? Hmmm.. decisions decisions haha. GO OBAMA.

I also wanna say hit to my tall australian tarded friend =)

I really will try and post more. But for now farewellll and let the peace be WITCHYYYAAA.

COS YOU A DOLL NOT AN ACTION FIGURE.

Ok. So I promised I would post more reviews. But I have been so fucking busy it's rediculous

School is out of control. Work is so crazy. And I have injured my shoulder.

I have no idea how i did it, I think I did it when doing my hair? NO IDEA.

But I think I pinched a nervous in my shoulder/back. 

The pain is horrible. Especially at night. It's off and on though, which is strange.

I need to see a doctor, but I have no time. Or energy. *bleh*

I put a heating pad on at night to try and let me sleep better, doesn't help too much, but it's something.

I'm reading a book right now called "lucky" by Alice Sebold. It's really good so far. very painful though. It's a memoir about her life and being raped when she was a freshman in college.

It's hard to get through because it is so intense and graphic and pretty painful. But makes you think, and keeps you humble almost.

It's very admirable she wrote a book about such a personal thing.

Still reading it, but once I'm done i'll probably have more to say about it.

I WENT PUMPKIN PICKING!!!!!!! It was awesome. I got the best pumpkin ever. Had to fight the little kids to get to it, but so worth it. Not too many apples, hard to find, but it was so fun. Went with my mom and my 2 sisters. What a blast.

I was amazed at the amount of asian / chinese people there?

THERE WERE HUNDREDS! I'm not kidding. So strange. I wonder why. I love chinese people! lol.

I just did a load of laundry and shrunk one of my sweaters. So hysterical. It is about the size of an infant sweater now. Sucks though. I liked that sweater. Good thing I always buy outfits in pairs and in different colors. =)

I realize that I'm lonely. Not lonely as in " oh i need people around me" , but I think I might be ready for a relationship. Or to start dating again. I don't know. Don't want to think about it.

Well I guess I will get to bed soon. Work early in the morning! More to come soon! I SWEAR!

xox

SHOW ME YOUR WANG.

This is going to be the first of many Collection Reviews. I'll start with one of my favorite's Alexander Wang.*swoon*

The Alexander Wang collection this season, was , of course, amazing. But I think that Alexander should be more than amazing. In 08 seasons, I was completely blown away. I literally gasped for air watching look after look come down the run way. This year, my gasps were fewer and farther between

As Alexander is of course my favorite designer currently, I am such a fan of his aesthetic. 

His dark, "fuck it" style and detailing still send chills down my spine. In a good way.

He epitomizes cool. Period.

^Anja you are the shit.

Compared to his past collections, his looks had more color, and more feminine touches. I think his ch

oice of the light blue was interesting, and made you look. I think it was smart. I liked it.

I do not think itwas Alexander though. I feel like he took a chance stearing a little away from his usual palette of blacks/grays/tan, a chance that needed to be taken, but I regret to say I liked his former colors. 

^ This is love. I would throw this look on the ground and fuck it cross-eyed.

^ The pieced tights with he outrageous shoes are deathly sickening awesome.

He always throws the best models down the runway. His styling was fucking awesome , per usual. I was a little thrown off by the "sweaty" shine of the models faces. But if Alexander didn't throw you a curve ball, then it wouldn't be alexander. The more I looked, the more i got it. That's what i always love about him. he MAKES you get it.

^this is absurd. I need it now.      

^ Our baby. She makes me so proud. Disgustingly flawless.

Although I feel his collection for s/s 09 was not up to his potential, to say that I didn't love it, would be lying. The man is simply amazing. I would murder some one to have his pieces. Literally.

Rock on Alexander Wang. Rock on. STAY TRUE.

(photos: Vogue)

All apologies.

I'm so sorry for being a giant dick and not posting in forever.

I will have plenty to say soon!

It's been a crazy long weekend. =)

Ciao.

I SAY YES WHEN I OUGHT TO SAY NO.

Ello Friends.

I honestly have not had much to say lately. Kind of weird. Guess I am just at a weird place in my life right now. Kind of stuck in between everything. Confusing. But not too horrible I guess. Could be worse.

I miss him. I miss him a lot. It hits me a random times. And when it hits me, it literally feels like some one punched me in the stomach. Or shot me through the heart.

I know he's in a better place now, but it still hurts just as much. The only difference is life gets in the way, and you think about it fewer times through out the day.

But when you DO think of it... it hurts, and it hurts like hell. I think it always will.

I just learned so much from him,  and he was such a huge part of my life and heart, I just hate that he's gone. Why'd he have to die? =(. I miss you.

I just hope he knows I tried to help him, and that I loved him more than anything. And that even though I get angry, and so upset, I am not mad at him for dying. I am just so in despair he's not physically with me. It's something I will NEVER get used to. Ever.

Went to the GAP today. Got 2 of my favorite tee's. They were on sale too yay!

Also got a bag and a long sleeve. 

(gap)

Well on another note. I'm watching the Boston Red Sox right now, GO SOX ! They're winning 1-0 but that means nothing because stupid devil rays can come back.

MORE IMPORTANTLY!       

Fashion weeks are over =( So So sad.

I'm already looking forward to next season. I think that I've honestly seen better seasons from all the designers. I'll be doing a review of everything very soon when I get some time off ! So stay put for that !!! 

I'm going all the fucking way to Connecticut for work tomorrow. PAIN. IN . THE. ASS

Nobody else would do it, so Id just fuck it i'll do it.

It made me the hero of the week So I guess it's cool.

And they are paying me for mileage.

The only bad part is I'm doing sales AND fashion consulting at the same time. So it is going to be a little hectic. Ah. But the supervisor there says that there are only like 12 shoots that day. So that's not too bad.

I hear the studio there is smaller as well, and the people might be weird? Well whatever. I'll just ignore every one, stick to dressing people, picking their clothes and setting up the shoots. It will be fine. 

I'm going to have to put up pictures of the studio some day. The good one. which is ours =). hehe. Not the other stupid one.

I'll hopefully have more interesting things to say soon.

Have a great night.

* and also I tried the starbucks vivanno banana chocolate shake today. Not too shabby. I would only eat if it's like the only thing i'm eating all day though, it has like a bagillion calories and shit. But delish. Ok bye.

PROPORTIONS YOU BITCH!!!!! ALL ABOUT PROPORTIONS!

GIRLS.

Please. Please. Please.

Please. Please. Please.

STOP

Wearing things that are TOO SMALL FOR YOU.

If you are a size 4. You should be wearing size 5's or 6's.

It really is not attractive, or stylist to wear things skin tight.

It makes you look like trash.

I am a size 2 , and I wear 4's minimum. Unless of course they are skinny jeans.

I suggest always buying your shirts one size too big, if not 2. 

If your skinny, it will make you look even skinnier.

And if you are not skinny, it will make you look LESS not skinny. lol.

I'm being dead serious though. This horrible faux pas needs to stop.

I usually don't believe it FASHION DO'S/DONT'S.

But this is just something that can't be ignored.

Here's a few examples of some seriously dope looks and how to wear your garments more comfortably.

(thefashionspot)

Erin Wasson one of my favorite muse's looking outrageous in a white tank and simple pants.

(supermodels)

You knew I was going to use my girl Freja as an example. I almost have this exact same outfit. Loosely fitted shirt with skinny jeans. Perfection. I LOVE PROPORTIONS!

Alexander Wang s/s 2008. My favorite collection ever created by any designer. Now that is a bold fucking statement I just made. He uses his fitting perfect. And Erin Wasson styled this collection !!!! DREAM TEAM <3

(modelstyle)

I'm having trouble i.d'ing these two models, I believe the one on the left is Behati. But not sure, any help guys????

Just play with proportions and textures.

I love mixing things up and fucking with peoples minds. But making it work.

Try something different. Wear baggy jeans with a scoop neck.

Wear skinny jeans  and heels with a huge baggy junky t-shirt.

Have fun. But don't look like a fucking whore.

Keep it interesting hoes. Lata.

ROCK AND ROLL PEOPLE. KEEP LIVIN.